Tuesday, July 26, 2011

It all ends on July 26th

The perfect movie at the perfect time.

I'm ready.

I've just had an email from the airport. For the first time this year my husband tells me that he's looking forward to see me. I'm working very hard to tell all my feelings that that's a good sign.
He's been in the air 2 hours now.
26 to go..

Monday, July 25, 2011

A stranger is moving into my house in 2 days. Whence will I take the energy and trust to get to know him?

(yeah, a sentence with whence, cool)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Pete booked his flights on his birthday. He's coming home next Wednesday.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Gestern habe ich den 4. Pirates-Film geguckt. Obwohl zum ersten Mal auf deutsch, fand ich ihn gar nicht so schlecht wie alle sagen.
Das beste war aber, dass ich zum Schluß eine überwältigende Erleuchtung hatte. Kein Film der Welt ist so spannend wie mein eigenes Leben, mit allen seinen Facetten.

Niemand wollte, dass ich ein Kind bekomme, und ich habe doch eins gehabt.
Ich bin mein eigenes Abenteuer. Ich habe Aufregung erfahren, Angst, Glück, neue Ufer, Anstrengung, Schmerzen, Liebe, Freude, Sinne, Leichtigkeit, Einsamkeit, Schwäche und Stärke, bin durch 1000 Täler und über 1000 Gipfel gewandert. Und ich weiß, dass ich mich absolut und völlig auf mich verlassen kann.
Ich bin die Heldin in meinem Abenteuerfilm.
Ich bin jeden Tag genauso schön wie ich bin. Ich beobachte ungerührt, wie meine Gegner von Monstern gefressen werden, und verschenke gleichzeitig mein Herz immer wieder an die Meinen, weil meine Liebe unbändig und ohne Rücksicht auf Verluste ist.
Ich bin ein Thriller-Roadmovie-Tragödie-Romanze-Naturepos-Soziale Farce-Komödie-Arztserie-Familiendrama-Fantasy-Crossover.
Die Produktion hat bisher Millionen von Euros (DM, Ostmark, Pfund und Dollar), Statisten, Filmmusiken und Locations verschlungen und geht weiter und weiter und weiter..


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A month has passed. I'm 39 now. I have seen (and heard! :-)) Groenemeyer again, I've been renovating my kitchen, treated disrespectfully by my brother and paid him back in kind, picked cherries and raspberries in my garden, tried to mow the meadow ;-), wished I could have a dog/ donkey/cat/chicken and time for it, cried and cried and cried, moved into the 8th month of my now imaginated pregnancy, wrote 3 minutes / drew social atoms and laughed and laughed and laughed for my systemic course, found myself a new systemic counsellor - starting next week, waited for my husband to come home, dreaded my husband to come home, fixed my couch, slept well, was scared and lonely, read some heartening stories, talked to mum, ate too much, ate too little, visited Manchester and lots of old friends and my old stomping ground in Stoke and felt peace and respect and longing, had a beautiful counselling session with such special empathy that something started healing instantly, got rid of my grievance counsellor and had a good session with her too, started the seed of a brilliant idea for one of my dissertation projects in form of a movie, saw Kuersche with B, had the first visitors in my new home / had such a good garden picnic with my niece and her boyfriend and my mum that the neighbours thought it was my birthday :-), had some good chats with neighbours, remembered my real pregnancy, was overwhelmed with the task of getting this house sorted, got support from mum, chose and ordered new windows for the front, dealt with debts, not dealt with some other paperwork, saw my friend's son in his first staring role, felt utterly miserable and questioned everything, had some good talks with some very new beginning friends, stroked some dogs, stroked myself, sang on my bike from the top of voice, hugged my plum tree, made cassis liqueur, had a terrible email from my husband, had 2 really good skype calls with him / found out some truth and explanation that helped, felt some of his positive energy in other emails, had an awesome talk with my good friend in Stoke, got heaps and heaps of well-meant and misplaced advice, searched for my feelings, searched for my strength, found it in the support of dead people in my life - my grandma/ granddad/uncle Kurt/my baby, sunbathed in the garden, macheted a path through the weed, felt ugly and inappropriate, felt free and happy, slept in a toilet ;-), took myself out for meals, finished my drawing course, signed up for 'Aktzeichnen' and Capoeira!

My life is certainly rich.